dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
