I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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