This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
