Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
