Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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