So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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