Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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