WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I currently don't understand fingers.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
