I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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