Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
