I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
