My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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