No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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