I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
