I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
