i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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