The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
