There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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