Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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