how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
