Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
