so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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