next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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