grandma shit on top of the toilet
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
