I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
