We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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