I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i came on her dog
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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