don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
