I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
