I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize