I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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