3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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