All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
