the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
