This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
