I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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