I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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