She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
