she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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