we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
