I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
