I want to have your abortion
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Come on in and take your pants off
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