SEEEEXXX PLEASE
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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