My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
