I will die if light touches me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
