Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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