This house was built for laser tag.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
