Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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