I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
