Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
