Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There r osticjed everywhere
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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