Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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