They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
