My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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