I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I pour the whiskey from now on
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
