piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
