Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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