My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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