All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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