dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
