Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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