mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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