Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
