so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How does one acquire holy water?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize