So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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